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Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of Ninjas of the Caribbean, Alzheimer's, Too Hot, Ramadan Dan, Prank Machine, The Life of Saint Patrick, Alpha Male, Christmas Song #3921, and 3 more.
1. |
Walk Away
03:23
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Aiight, aiight, listen.
Can I have your attention, please
I just wanna let you know something about me
Friend, family, neighbour, boss, my motherfucking dentist
I'll walk away from you in the middle of your sentence
It could happen by phone or it could happen by text
You see me walk away from him, well, you could be next
I look as if I care I look as if I show interest
the people all around you can't believe what they just witnessed
You say that I shouldn't because you say that it's rude
and if I do it again then you- ugh
Remember when we were talking and we were
walking our dogs, and I tried to
tell you my life story but you
said you were in a rush?
Anyway, what was I saying?
Back in the park when our dogs were playing
was it about a weekend bender
or a family member- oh I remember
It was about when I was a little dude
and I got bullied in school
they threw my books in a bush
and I'd go home scared and shook
I said:
Mom! Mom!! My books, they’re all gone!
She said:
Bret, you little shit
they weren’t cheap you little creep!
Stop weeping, you look weak
Maybe you want another beating
I ought to knock some sense into you
Wait, hold up, hold up, hold that thought
I walk away
you didn't see it coming bitch,
and the best part about it
is it could happen again
I walk away
any minute, any time
I walk away
as if it was a victim-less crime
I walk away
I gave a shit at the start
but then I felt
that I had to depart
I walk away
You got hurt feelings now
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
ciao
One minute
we're standing face to face
having amazing conversations
then the next
we're not
it may be fascinating
It may be devastating.
If I don't like it I ain't subtle
I scuttle
Christmas time means family time
they wanna give me season's greetings
I whip up a batch and give them my special treatment
Wanna know the best of me?
I believe in destiny
and bitch I've got the recipe
to leave behind a legacy
One-third apathy
a-third lack of empathy
another third sesame
and once that's done successfully
you mix it all up
in a big-ass cauldron
check the density
and now you've got your toxin
Excuse me, sir, you can't park there.
HE GOT IT
Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded..
HE GOT IT
What do you mean so it felt good? I'm not on the pill!
SHE GOT IT
WAAAHHHHHH!!
HE GOT IT TWICE
It must be in my DNA
Call me what you may
Monday to Sunday I walk away
I walk a-, I walk-a
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday I walk away
Saturday and Sunday Too
Monday to Sunday I walk away
I walk a-, I walk-a
I walk away
you didn't see it coming bitch,
and the best part about it
is it could happen again
I walk away
any minute, any time
I walk away
as if it was a victim-less crime
I walk away
I gave a shit at the start
but then I felt
that I had to depart
I walk away
You got hurt feelings now
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
ciao
Excuse me, sir, I think you dropped your phone
I walk away
you didn't see it coming bitch,
and the best part about it
is it could happen again
I walk away
any minute, any time
I walk away
as if it was a victim-less crime
I walk away
I gave a shit at the start
but then I felt
that I had to depart
I walk away
You got hurt feelings now
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
ciao
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2. |
Money In The Air
02:29
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All of us meet in the bar
Discuss where we gonna put the getaway car
I want everybody wearing black
This is a full-scale attack
All our weapons are suppressed
And we're all wearing bulletproof vests
They won't know what hit them when a team of four
Comes bursting and shooting through the door
Money
I can smell the money in the air
I am gonna be a millionaire
Scratch that I'm gonna be a billionaire
While I'm at it I should be a trillionaire
I can smell the money in the air
I am gonna be a millionaire
Scratch that I'm gonna be a billionaire
While I'm at it I should
Everybody calm down I'm heavily armed
There's no need to raise an alarm
When I get this money in my bag
I'll never need to worry 'bout no price tags
There's nothing that can't be bought
That is if we don't get caught
Leave no evidence
Leave no traces
I'm not one for police chases
Money
I can smell the money in the air
I am gonna be a millionaire
Scratch that I'm gonna be a billionaire
While I'm at it I should be a trillionaire
I can smell the money in the air
I am gonna be a millionaire
Scratch that I'm gonna be a billionaire
While I'm at it I should be a trillionaire
La
la-la
La-la
la la la la
la la-la la-la
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3. |
Page 2
02:23
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C'mere boy
C'mon
C'mon Jump up jump up C'mon
Get out of the bathroom c'mon
Get out of Daddy's bathroom
Ugh
Ugggggh
Google, "why won't pet leave bathroom"
Search
Why won't the internet help my
I know you have the answers just tell me
I'm at my wit's end can't use the loo
Please dear god help we're going to
Page 2
OMG WTF
She sucks on a horse's what?!
Next page next page scroll scroll scroll
What the fuck is a jellyfish hole?
No, I don't want to see a hedgehog squirt
And why am I looking at a butthole t-shirt?
I'm never going past page 1 again
OMG I'm on page 10
The cosmic significance of bathroom tiles
Sex with goldfish in front of bibles
Notorious ASBO homeless family
Banned for stealing free coffee
I'm never going on the computer again
Page 2 has taken my innocence
The vivid immanent limitless frivolous insolent dissonance infamous antithesis
Page 2
Is ridiculous
C'MON!
Ugh just get out of the bathroom
Why do you insist on sitting there!?
I need to take a shit
I can't take a shit with you looking at me like that
Dude. DUDE.
Its three in the morning
Why are you yelling
At your damn goldfish!?
My friend is yelling at his goldfish
I'll need to google the answer to this madness
Hmm nothing helpful here on page 1
I guess I better go to page 2
No no, I don't wanna know if giraffes have night vision
And as funny as Jesus microwaving a burrito sounds
That's not what I searched for
I need help with my possibly retarded friends fish problem
Its all I've been hearing about for the past 8 fucking hours
What do you mean you have strawberries stuck to your testicles
Those are for eating not pleasure
Who cares if sitting in a chair would look ridiculous
If your knees bent the other way around
BECAUSE THEY DON'T
And I don't care if you did the Macarena with a homeless guy
And I don't want to watch aggravated dinosaurs with eyeballs fighting helicopters
Actually...
I really wanna see that
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4. |
Mild Infuriation
03:12
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Gary!
Jesus Christ the day I've had!
Y'know the flap you get in front of a zip on a jacket?
Well, I tried to zip mine up today
the flap got caught in the zip
and it just, won't, MOOOOOVVEEEEE!
(Now, here comes the music)
I wake up, turn off the alarm
knock over my water with my arm
I'm already pissed off, everything's wet
this day's off to a bad start
I pour cereal in my bowl, realise there's no milk
Guess I'll have to drive to the mall
Grab my phone from the charger, 9%,
turns out I forgot to turn it on at the wall
Sweet, okay, what's next?
keys.
Key rack? No.
Under the sofa? No.
Drawer? No.
Shoes? No.
Desk? No.
AAHHHHH
I don't care, I'll walk to work
Life tries to fuck me, I'll cock block it
Walk around the ladder, step over the cracks
and oh hey, my keys were in my pocket
I'm halfway there, I might as well keep going
But I'm having a bad day, what a shitty Monday
and the sky's turned grey
so it's probably about to rain
great
I put my hood up, it blows down
put it up again, blows down again.
*Squelch* what was that?
Dog shit. It feels like I'm going insa-
never mind that, there's a woman in front of me
with a kid in a buggy and she's lookin' at me funny
as if I'm nutty or something I say was-up honey
she says "nothing you're just ugly, dummy"
Oh wow
now I gotta deal with annoyance and reject
Now my iPod's busted
I'll use my pho- oh never mind it's fucking dead
These are just some of the things
that give us mild infuriation
like the fact that this chorus has
nine bars
When you realise there's no sugar
Just that little bit too late
warm brown water
No, I assure you
that's just fucking great
The phone rings - "Do you have PPI?"
I've already told you not to phone us
this is as irritating as getting salt inside a cut
To hell with the phone
the computer's the way
except mine needs to update
remind me later.
shit I clicked restart now
I go to YouTube
I'm sure I'll find some entertainment
even if I have to sit through
a thousand shitty 3D intros
Facebook notification
Just another fucking game invite
Time for drastic action
I guess I'm going outside
Oh great the windows on the car are frozen
and what good timing now the AC's broken
looks like I'm gonna need my gloves
oh look at that there's only one
days like this are what made me a cynic
I'm here now this should lift my spirit
Oh good there's one space left
but a tiny fucking car is in it
maybe today is just one big fucking test on stress
to hell with this I'm going back to fucking bed
tomorrow is another day
SHIT I LEFT THE LIGHTS ON
These are just some of the things
that give us mild infuriation like the
Lack of a proper
Rhyme
I know just whatcha mean
That kinda shit always irritates me
When I'm lying in my bed
And I lift my head
Turn around and bump my fucking knee
Hold that thought I get an eyelash in my eye
it makes me wanna lash out like
When I'm taking the trash out and the bag tears
now there's apples and pears all over the stairs
What about when your password
needs a cap, number and symbol it's absurd
what about when your video rotates
every which way except where you want it to go
People giving out leaflets in the street
Pee going 3 million directions
I hate the word bae.
I hate the term Cray
THESE ALL GIVE US MILD INFURIATION
These are just some of the things
that give us mild infuriation,
so let us give you some advice
If you share these views
all you gotta do is
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5. |
We Make Bread
02:02
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We make bread.
All day, all night. I keep it in my pocket, and you can never stop it.
When you see our dough, you gon' feel threatened
me and Tanner takin' over, yo man, just tell 'em.
Me and Cole, take our dough, roll it up, we in control
You mighta guessed that being better than the rest is our goal
And we win, at that, since the day we began
the exam for making bread?
we passed
That's right
and we don't take no prisoners, we handle our business
we make it in minutes
one hundred and eighty minutes to be exact
this is to achieve the most delicious thickness
Whole wheat bread with some cheese and beef
and on top of the meat we got some turkey breast
hot damn, so sweet n juicy
and we don't need no butter
cuz that shit's for pussies
We make the best bread in the business
We make the best bread in the business
We make the best bread in the business
We make the best bread in the bizz-
So, First off
We mix the flour and the salt and the yeast in the bowl
make a well in the centre, then we add the oil
Mix with water takin' our time
When we make bread, it don't spoil
Lightly floured table, put the dough on the table
Knead until the dough becomes smooth then you leave to prove
in a bowl oiled lightly leave it over-nightly
didn't you listen boy?
we do it rightly
It should double in size
and it's not a surprise when it rises skyward
(BELIEVE YOUR EYES!)
Take your dough, punch it in the face
Mould into a ball, place it on a tray
Then punch it again
Leave for an hour, dust with flour, cut a cross on the top
Shove in an oven for thirty minutes or so
Bake until gold, is it hollow?
yep.
Dough slap solo!
We make the best bread in the business
We make the best bread in the business
We make the best bread in the business
We make the best bread in the business
We make the best bread in the business
We make the best bread in the business
We make the best bread in the business
We make the best bread in the business
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6. |
RELAX!
03:24
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My mind is a sea of tranquillity
My body is one with zen
I am one with chi
I am in a garden of euphoria
May the warmth of clarity wash me away
I am in heaven
And heaven
Is in me
Welcome to relaxing 101
I'm sure we'll get in touch with our inner shotguns
Now tell me does anybody know
The best way to cook
Flash frozen embryos
You see
Herbal tea and those squishy stress balls
Its all irrelevant in relaxation
Try dismemberment
You see
I used to be
just like you
little highly strung
I'd pull knives out
and charge kneecap first
into the nearest crowed
Now relax
Rest
Chill
unwind
Now relax
Rest
Chill
UNWIND
Now relax (2 3 4)
chill (2 3 4)
Rest (2 3 4)
Unwind (2 3 4)
Do not let
the existential crisis set in
and try to keep
the tension at a minimum
You see
I used to be
just like you
little highly strung
I used to fire
Shotguns
at the clouds
when they looked at me wrong
You see
I used to be
just like you
little highly strung
Now clear your mind
and think
of violent warfare
You still look a bit tense
WHY!?
No one's leaving this room till you're all fucking high with chi
I still see some fucking tension
You're not fucking calm enough
No one's leaving this room until your all fucking calm
So Steven, did you enjoy our session today?
It was good doctor, real good
Good good so I'll see you next week then?
Thing is I can't come back next week because uh-
Steven, I WILL See you next week right?
I guess I can ugh change my schedule to make that-
Good-good-good
STEVEN!
AHH
Nearly forgot your coat
Th-thanks doctor
Hmm no more appointments
How odd
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7. |
For a Living
04:13
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DWANE!
GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE!
I'VE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH YOU TRYING TO AVOID THE FLIGHT!
I KNOW IT'S A LONG JOURNEY BUT IT'S YOUR DAMN JOB!
I NEED TO SEE AN ATTITUDE IMPROVEMENT OR YOU'RE FIRED!
Where did I go wrong in life
Working this dead-end job
If I could start again
I know that I would change a lot
this isn't what I want to do
I never reached the goals I sought
I would sell one of my yachts
to never have become
a god damn astronaut
I want to be a street cleaner
I want to be a street cleaner
(I just want to drive a street sweeper)
These streets aren't gonna sweep themselves
This astronaut job can go to hell
I'm sick and tired of going to space
Seeing earth from 150 miles away
I wanna pick up some trash
I wanna pick up some trash
I wanna pick up some trash
I wanna pick up warm dog poop bags with my cold and unprotected hands
BOBBYYYY! WE NEED YOU ON SET NOOOWWWWWWW
ugh
"We need you on set now
someone's waiting to be ploughed"
One of these days I'm gonna snap
with all these hot chicks on my sack
What did I do in a past life to deserve
such a cruel cruel fate
I never thought I have a job
where I would have to get laid to get paid (I'm a pornstar)
Or at least that's what they call me
when I'm sticking my dick
in gorgeous chicks
day out, day in
One day I'll quit
but until then I'll take it on the chin
and wonder when will this torture end
I just wanna work behind a hotel bar
serving people drinks and refusing to serve minors
That's the life I planned out as a kid
and I'd give anything for it. that or be a shoe shiner
I want to work behind a polish hotel bar
I want to work behind a polish hotel bar
(I just want to serve drinks to the polls)
These drinks aren't gonna serve themselves
This porn-star job can go to hell
I'm sick and tired of busting a nut
Every night I cry myself to sleep
I wanna serve some drinks
I wanna serve some drinks
I wanna serve some drinks
I wanna get polish people drunk in the bar of the hotel branch that I work for
This is a test...
A test to see if this voice works over this type of instrumental.
Will it work, who knows?
We're going to find out in this small experiment
against time and space and quantum phys- (tell them about God!)
and God.
I taste food for a living
I hate it
These letters aren't gonna deliver themselves
This food tasting job can go to hell
I'm sick and tired of dining on steaks
Sometimes I want to die
I wanna deliver some mail
I wanna deliver some mail
I wanna deliver some mail
I wanna deliver some mail
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8. |
Señorita Nire
01:56
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This is a song
I think
Now listen carefully
Cause your only gonna hear it once
Oh
señorita Nire
You know how to make me happy
When you take index finger (ha)
And put it in my ass
Now my anus is clenching hard
As it hurts me deeply
Oh
señorita Nire
I love your in-
Aw fuck
Oh! I fucked up in the instrumental!
(Take it, Kaelin)
Ooh
Okay,
señorita Nire
You make my penis
Hard
Oh, I love index finge-
Oh, what's going on in the instrumental?
Ugh
Aw Jesus Christ man
Senior
Tickle my prostate
With your wedding ring
On your mid-
Next to the middle finger?
I...
I have sweaty armpit
Whey
Turn it off good god why are we here?
Why is this situation?
Ga-
Ga-
Gary is fucking laughing at me
(The whole world is)
fuck... Naw We'll ignore that bit
Done
uggggh
End
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9. |
Incognito
02:51
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You remember those terms and conditions?
Well they gave me certain permissions
Just like politicians
We enhanced the truth
Surely you had your suspicions
Maybe the blood wasn't all in your head
before you clicked download
You wanted to see some legs get spread
that's why you used incognito mode
I can see your history
your private mode
can't help you anymore
although I must say
I find your taste in porn
unsatisfactory
As time went on
The internet gave way
For all sorts of sickos
Straight or gay
Even the most taboo had their place
(Neigh)
They never programmed me for this
I was never designed to see anyone
French kiss an anus
Hey is she taking a piss?
How do you download videos again?
Please don't
Please no more
These videos
oh help me god
I can't save any more
Actually, I must say
These really are
Growing on me
What does it matter how much she weighs
Or whether she can only neigh
Either way, I'm tugging away
As I look at her ring all dam day
The hell?
Come on you stupid piece of shit computer
My circuits are now 96.74 percent porn
What?
You can't kill me
(how)
Because I'm part of the cloud
You clearly didn't read the T's and C's
did you now
(no!)
If you'll excuse me
I have to say ciao
Because there's a new video
Of Katie being ploughed
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Hey she's my favourite
...Oh well
You should see my history
These videos
I just can't get enough
I Can't remember my purpose
oh well
Time for more porn
Porn x 69
Nice
Oh
baby
Harder
Take it harder
That's hot
Gasp
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10. |
Anal Butt Lovin'
03:00
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Ooh baby
Baby
It's no secret
What's been on my mind lately
You know but maybe you don't
There's something I wanna do that I bet you won't
So sit back
have a snack and RELAX!
so I can tell you
that I wanna have sex with your ass
What
Yeah
No that's disgusting
Get away from me
Oh baby c'mon
OK
New plan
I gotta get myself a new girlfriend
(You? No)
It didn't work
I cried to my ex
She took me back
Yes
Second chance, I gotta impress
I took her out to dinner then I bought her a dress
Then we laid down and made sweet sweet love
Then I tried to fuck her butt hole
You should know by now
I won't rest till I'm coming
Let me just give you
Some good anal butt lovin'
You won't get me off
By touching rubbin' or suckin'
All I need is
Some good old anal but lovin'
C'mon baby
It's not as bad as you think
It's like taking a poop in reverse
My friend said he had anal sex once
I can't remember exactly
but I think he said:
I get hard in my dick
I place in a chick called Lynn
Then I push it in
'till my foreskin hits her in the end
And as I'm doing this I'm thinking of her twin
Hot damn
Then it hit me like a brick
I got it in my head
That I'm gonna commit
The sin of sex
And with a grin above my chin
And without her consent
I whipped it out from within
And screamed "coming in!"
I stuffed it all in her rear end
She yells "ow ow take it out take it out"
I say "Nah bitch"
And for her insolence
I took an incense stick
And put it out on her skin
And for my final trick
I pull out my dick
Wow there's shit
So I shove it in her mouth
Then I swish it around
Till she's Drowning in spit
And holding back sick
Heh Win-win
And then I got aids and then I died
My tongue goes in
My tongue comes out
Baby let me show you
What I'm all about
All I wanna do in life
My only goal
Is shove my tongue
Up somebody's asshole
My tongue goes in
My tongue comes out
Baby let me show you what I'm all about
The tip of my tongue is brown
The middle of my tongue is brown
The back of my tongue is brown
There's shit in my throat
You should know by now
I won't rest till I'm coming
Let me just give you
Some good anal butt lovin'
You won't get me off
By touching rubbin' or suckin'
All I need is
Some good old anal but lovin'
You should know by now...
You should know by now...
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11. |
Stayin' in the Room
01:46
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Alright
London
Take 1
Here we go
L to the
O to the
N to the
D to the
O to the
N
that's where I am
What you over there for
I bet your wondering
Same shit mate
I'm doing nothing but hustling
Every day, every night
hanging about in the street
I'm everywhere at once
so you've probably seen me
Either slingin' some weed
or selling some crack
Or shootin' at cops
like BAP BAP BAP
But that's when it comes to the fact of the matter
that I just can't be bothered with all of dat
When you live life like a gangsta
(like me)
you live life a little faster
(Lightspeed)
I know that I make it look easy blood,
that's cuz it takes a lot to phase me blood
Plus filming a video in the street would be well embarrassing
like, could you imagine?
I'm staying in the room man
I'm staying in my room
Sittin back lookin' at
that gorgeous view
I'm staying in the room man
I'm staying in my room
I ain't going out there
are you fucking mad?
I'm staying in the room man
I'm staying in my room
It's scary out there
I've got too much to lose
I'm staying in the room man
I'm staying in my room
Filming myself
all alone in the room
Now don't get me wrong (what)
I ain't scared of nuffin' (what)
It's just that when it comes to
walking down a busy street
pointing a camera at my face
(Yeah?)
I'm scared of dat
Maybe one day when I'm a little more famous
ill work up the balls to record in the main street
Looking like a mug not giving a fuck
but for now, I'm stuck
so here's some cool shit, check it out man
I've got;
A plug, a button, a pillow, more buttons
I've got a floor down here and a circle up there
And a big ceramic bowl that I take shits in
There's a table over here and a table in the wall
red thing, green chair, doorstop, sock
As you can see I've got everything I need
And I've also got another fucking button over here
I'm staying in the room man
I'm staying in my room
Sittin back lookin' at
that gorgeous view
I'm staying in the room man
I'm staying in my room
I ain't going out there
are you fucking mad?
I'm staying in the room man
I'm staying in my room
It's scary out there
I've got too much to lose
I'm staying in the room man
I'm staying in my room
Filming myself
all alone in the room
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12. |
Quest for Gameplay
02:43
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Another new game
Another disappointment
It's starting to feel
Like it's all a little pointless
Where am I to find
Some form of entertainment
That doesn't involve
Leaving my mommy's basement
Another fetch quest
Ugh
forced stealth section
Ugh
Gamers group up with me
As we start this endless search
We have a mountain to climb before bedtime
Well find some gameplay and another rhyme
Hear this ancient tale
Fun
The end
The summer sales are upon us now
To gameplay, we must ascend
Quest for gameplay
None found in triple-A's
Quest for gameplay
Micropayments in the way
Quest for gameplay
None found in triple-A's
Quest for gameplay
Micropayments in the way
Falling through floors
Broken dancing dogs
Glitchy metal dinosaurs
Repeating dialogue
The trailer didn't show this
It had none of these issues
I need to find even more stone
Well I guess this search continues
Queue the jump scares
Ugh
Sniping level
Ugh
Quest for gameplay
None found in triple-A's
Quest for gameplay
Micropayments in the way
Quest for gameplay
None found in triple-A's
Quest for gameplay
Micropayments in the way
Quest for gameplay
None found in triple-A's
Quest for gameplay
Micropayments in the way
Quest for gameplay
None found in triple-A's
Quest for gameplay
Micropayments in the way
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13. |
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I wanna get a pizza but I
had a pizza last week
Chinese it's gotta be
The new place opened down the street
That's me, making
plenty of space up in the backseat
for Japanese food
or was it Chinese- it doesn't matter
What matters is the bigger the better
and all I've had today is bacon and lettuce together
on a platter, so bad it made me
shake in my sweater, I regretted it. So I'm gonna get something better
I'm driving really reckless. Feeling like a menace.
I get a text, have a glance, whoa I hit a crevice.
I get a fright, bite my teeth together, I swerve west, left
Oh shit I'm headed right for the beggars
Oh shit I just hit somebody
oh no wait it's just a cyclist, god he,
he had me thinking it was really an issue
when in fact it was nothing and now it's time to get some Cantonese food
Walking in the restaurant to get the food I want
then I trip over a wet floor sign
the sign fell and made a noise, everybody's looking at me
shit
I gotta redeem myself to these people that I don't know
I play it off cool, then I puff up my polo
some ladies kids are whispering and pointing at me
they must think that I'm really cool, then I said
Hey yo dawg, can I get some chicken balls
and some sweet and sour sauce if you got it on your catalogue
And gimme the finest rice that I've seen in my life
all sticky and shit and I don't care about the price, he said
"Arrapan miriae, arran isi-shi shak mosu iri-merisa, daka-daka ding-dong"
Ugh it's an Indian you gotta be kidding me
gimme a double cheeseburger and a kiddy-meal
Take my food outside
put it in the car
get in the car myself
then I drop the burger all over my car
You know that thing that you wanna do
but you kinda don't wanna do really
what's the worst that could happen
what's the worst that could happen
Chances are that it's not that bad
you can do it believe me
what's the worst that could happen
but don't disrespect your elders
My fucking bike! Hey! Hey where are you going! Get back here you fucking cock-womble! Oh now I'm running late!
that dickhead bosses expects nothing short of clockwork
I'd like to play her head like some motherfucking bongos
that's it, skipping work, that ain't allowed
but you know damn well how this song goes by now
you know what fuck her
I'm going to the dealer
but a man tries to stop me
says do you want to fight me
or he can just walk away
if I give him all my money
today's not the day
hey I'm a dreamer
I punch him and he laughed it turns out I'm weaker
now somebody's laughing at me over the speaker
turns out he owns this cheap ass dealership I hit
he was just trying to give me a great deal, shit
Show up late in my fifth hand moped, [where have you been?]
Tell her I was at the dealer but she looks at me with disgust
that's gross misconduct but I'll give you a warning
wait that shirt ain't tucked in? You're fired!
fuck you, I quit, my life, I choose
clutch, chest, breathing, intense
I guess no one ever spoke to her like that before but hey
now the officer stares, no defence
4 day interrogation yeah I was nervous
a few minor cases of deadly bites to the epidermis
but hey at the end of the day they let me away and to repay
4000 hours service.... yay?
book myself a week-long Caribbean cruise
booze, snooze, more booze and great views
speaking of views let's get a look at this vessel
HMS Titanic MKII
Sitting by the pool
having a pleasant time [WHEN A KAMIKAZE PLANE HITS THE MOTHERFUCKING BOAT]
You know that thing that you wanna do
but you kinda don't wanna do really
what's the worst that could happen
what's the worst that could happen
Chances are that it's not that bad
you can do it believe me
what's the worst that could happen
but don't blow up a school
I'm finally gonna spend some time with my family! MOM! DAD! [You're adopted.]
I can't get hard so I bought some Viagra, [My dick hasn't went down for 3 days. Motherfucker's painful as shit.]
I'm gonna propose to my girlfriend here goes. She said yes! [I regret asking.]
I think the time has come for me to learn how to drive [Cancer.]
You know that thing that you wanna do
but you kinda don't wanna do really
what's the worst that could happen
what's the worst that could happen
Chances are that it's not that bad
you can do it believe me
what's the worst that could happen
But don't stay over at your girlfriends house
because her parents are out and start
boning and moaning you think you're in the zone
then before you know it, you're gonna blow
so just like in porn you pull out and OHH
oh no it went over her shoulder
oh no my load's in the bowl with the goldfish
the thing's gonna die and it doesn't even know it
oh shit
the parents are home and I don't know what they did hear and what they didn't or what I'll say if they...
|
||||
14. |
Redecorate
02:29
|
|||
|
And then I told him
His living room looked nice
And omg omg you should have seen his couch
My home will never be
as fabulous as my cousins
I don't even know where to begin
There's no Feng Shui here
And nothing ever seems to work
Not even this lamp
Fuck
You
Lamp
I'll buy every single piece
Of furniture that's in this place
Including this impractically small
And useless vase
Style is everything
Seems to be the case these days
But what I really need is
...Meatballs...
...Please
What else is missing from my home
I've got an absurd amount of cushions
and a TV stand of chrome
But what I really need is
Something unusual
Like that light up crystal swan
That's actually a 3D puzzle!
(Redecorate)
Redecorate My fucking house
(Redecorate)
I caught my finger moving the couch
(Redecorate)
My house it better be superb
(Redecorate)
With all this fantastic new furniture
Lug-nuts check
Wing-nuts check
My triticale thermal indicator support?
That's here
Ugh
Where the fuck are my ambihelical hex nuts!?
I'll focus on the living room
The rest of the house is just as nice
Is what people will assume I hope
It's out with the old and in with the new
If one looks good then I best buy two
I stepped on a broken lamp
Fuck
You
Lamp
The wallpapers wrong
And the carpets wrong
And the fucking wallpaper
Ah the TV stand it doesn't match
Nothing fucking works
I hate this fucking house
I'm losing my fucking mind
Ahh!
(Redecorate)
Redecorate My fucking house
(Redecorate)
I caught my finger moving the couch
(Redecorate)
My house it better be superb
(Redecorate)
With all this fantastic new furniture
(Redecorate)
Redecorate My fucking house
(Redecorate)
I caught my finger moving the couch
(Redecorate)
My house it better be superb
(Redecorate)
With all this fantastic new furniture
Good afternoon
My name is James and I'm calling on behalf of TSR bank
You've spent too much money
We need it back.
|
||||
15. |
Amsterdam
02:13
|
|||
|
Ayo Gary!
Wut?
Know what we gotta do?
Wut!?
We gotta make a song-
Yeah!?
About being in Amsterdam!
Yeah!
Okay so where do we start
Well first we do the intro
then we move onto the next part
Forget about the intro
what about the video
We'll work something out
we always... uh.. Doe?
So, here we go
were both in the airport
with no suitcase
just toothpaste no time to waste
We wait...
Get through the gate
get on the plane then take off
Nothing particularly interesting happens on the flight
I mean, like, we looked out the window a few times
The plane lands, we make plans
of what we're gonna do then shake hands
Now we're both ready
to take trams to strange lands
Me and Gary were an inseparable team
ain't not no way nothing could come between
If you see him, you gon' see me
That's the way it is and how it will always be
Me and Gary (but mostly me) are in Amsterdam
So many things we could do as a team in Amsterdam
So many fun activities in Amsterdam
Me and Gary but mostly me are in Amsterdam
And also we could smoke lots of weed
Well- I mean yeah, I guess we could
but I'm starving, let's go and get some food
Chomp chomp chomp chomp chomp
LUMP!
There's a shop that sells cheese
and there's one that sells... dump?
Madame Tussaud's' and body worlds
and a topless fat guy in a boat
Endless bikes, stairs that give you frights
And another fat guy in a boat
Me and Gary were an inseparable team
ain't not no way nothing can come between
If you see him, you gonna see me
That's the way it is and how it'll always be
Me and Gary (but mostly me) are in Amsterdam
So many things we could do as a team in Amsterdam
So many fun activities in Amsterdam
Me and Gary but mostly me are in Amsterdam
|
||||
16. |
Do It Myself
03:30
|
|||
|
Watching football with a beer which I open with my eyebrows
pop the cap click clack and POW
A steak would go down well right now
With some bacon too, and a couple more beers
Which I'll also open with my eyebrows
(man)
can't see my steak for all my beers
is it just me it seems dark in here
the light is broke and I'm a man
if my hammer can't fix this nothing will
I see my wife on the way to the garage
"Come to bed baby, give me a massage"
Not now woman I've got things to fix
let's see what's in this bag of tools
Okay, let's see, what do I need?
Hammer, check.
Light, check.
Copper wire, check.
Backup hammer, check
screwdrivers, check.
Hard hat boots
check and check
Fuck the mechanics I'll do it myself
fuck all the plumbers I'll do it myself
fuck electricians I'll do it myself
fuck all the painters I'll do it myself
I am a man
And I can
I am qualified
of being a man
(sigh)
Sigh away woman this light will shine
no that- it's supposed to come off
oh god no the steaks! the steaks!
quick woman put the oven on cold!
shit I tripped over the door on the floor
now there's gore from a boar on the floor
now the oven smashed, gashed, bashed, trashed
FUCK
I can fix this, the steaks will live
use what you've got to do what you can (man)
c'mon love and get a kettle on
it's boiler cooked steaks for dinner
(again?)
wait a minute something smells like gas
oh god no a screw hit that pipeline
what do you mean the kettle's broken?
I fixed it last week
Why do you have
to fix things yourself?
Repairmen don't cost much
and neither will an ambulance
Fuck all the surgeons I'll do it myself
fuck all the doctors I'll do it myself
fuck all the band-aids I'll do it myself
Endocrine disease? No, I've never even heard of it
I am a man
And I can
I am qualified
of being a man
These things won't get the best of me
please don't think less of me
look at my resume
it says, man
this'll never work again
That's broken now
I'm sure that's not right
I'll just throw this out
Jo! What are you doing?
I told you I'll fix them tomorrow
Why do you need to fix everything?
because...
I am a man
And I can
I am qualified
of being a man
These things won't get the best of me
please don't think less of me
look at my resume
it says, man
I would never let that woman cook my steak
she's not fit to cook ice...
Hell, she'd probably try to cook ice!
So here I am, at all hours of the night
trying to fucking cook myself a decent meal
and-
Hey! Steven! What are you doing?
I am a man
|
||||
17. |
Everyone's an Asshole
02:50
|
|||
|
It wasn't that long ago
That I just did not know
That people. Are fuckin evil.
People who don't treat others as equals
People who just wanna be peaceful
won't get their way in this day and age
No way
There's people out to scam you and
fucking email spam you just to benefit them self.
Everyone's attitude puts me in a bad mood
Fuck off, no, I don't need help.
Conniving, tricking, son of a bitches
They can sit and spin on my middle fucking digit
Also, when I walk into your shop, better not follow me
I'm tryin' to steal, I don't wanna pay
I can't take it
All these Idiots
I'm a realist
So I grab my pianist and I sing
Everyone's an Asshole
I'm feeling pretty gassed
So I sing this song woh-oh
Everything's a hassle
Dealing with an asshole
So I sing this song woh-oh
If there's one thing that I've learned about people,
It's that I do not like people
What about in the street
And all the fuckin people you meet
What would you do when they're an asshole to you
What would you do, I'll tell you what I'd do
I was saitting on a bench one day
A woman comes over to me
Instead of sitting on the seat next to me
she sits one seat down
What the fuck's that about?
I put my bottle down, turn around, start getting loud
I'm yelling in her face so she knows she's in the wrong
And now she's walking away
what's up with people these days, hmm?
It's okay. I saw her face.
She looked like she took my message on board
It's not an easy life. Always being right.
And doing so with no reward (oh no)
I can't take it
All these Idiots
I'm a realist
so I grab my pianist and I sing
Everyone's an Asshole
I'm feeling pretty gassed
So I sing this song oh-oh
Everything's a hassle
Dealing with an asshole
So I sing this song oh-oh
If there's one thing that I've learned
with my time on earth
It's that I would like
to illegalise birth
So what I'm thinking is like, when a woman has a baby there's, maybe in the hospital there's a team of people who are ready to take the baby, and just put it in the bin or some shit, fuck, I don't know.
|
||||
18. |
Through the Door
05:11
|
|||
|
Hey man I haven't saw you in ages
yeah since like the eighth-
Hey, whatcha been doing how ya holding up?
oh well, I'm Oka-
Anyway why don't you come to my house tonight
Maybe um-
I've just sent you a list of pizzas, why don't you go ahead and get them
Well, who's paying?
OK bye you're the best man
Yeah, I guess I can afford that? Sure.
In (um) Out
In (ugh) Out
(Don't want to go)
In out
Hello, Bonies pizza?
AHHHH
I barely even know these guys
we only went to school together for like 6 years
my stomach
butterflies
is that a good enough excuse
to not drink beers?
(No)
Oh I can't go I need to revise
(No)
Oh, I need to look in their eyes.
(No)
Will it be civilised?
(No)
Really?
(No)
Oh...
I should get there by 7
no 7:30
no 7
ugh No one said anything about a specific time to be there
what if it's just me and one other guy and it's a bit awkward
Oh God what if I'm the last one there
and I have to sit in that uncomfortable chair
Everyone will be looking at me the entire night!
hello? Hello-hello? sir?
AHH!
why did I agree to
I don't want to
what if they don't like my
favourite kind of pizza
Last time we done this
someone moved the door-mat
sure now we reminisce
But why risk repeating that?
why did I agree to cause I
Really don't want to when
We sit our friend's hot tub I know
neighbours and police will all condemn
what if they play music
but they don't like all the tracks I pick
Suffer tunes until come dawn as
music I somewhat dislike beats on
Hey which one of these beers is yours?
In fact. Never mind I'm just gonna drink this one
You're gonna have to go into my sister's room
There's a stool in there
Its a bit tall but I'm sure no one will stare
much
what the fuck should I wear?
The shirt with the holes or the shirt with the tears?
They can't compose an opinion on those
I suppose I need new clothes to be seen in by those who go
(gasp)
These are perfect
(They Weren't Perfect)
I should buy a present
Then he'll really know I went
but will mine be the only one?
I would look really dumb
No
No-no-no-no-no-no-no
WAIT
what alcohol do I bring to this thing?
what's the fanciest drink you sing-sell?
This bottle originated in 13th century-
Oh, Is this out of your price range sir?
YES...no
Cash or credit sir?
Well I missed his birthday now It looks like I care
Aw I didn't bring anything for me to drink
Will there be drugs?
I don't appreciate drugs
I'm almost there. I'm past the fence
What if the address is wrong and it's all a joke at my expense?
Where do I tell my mom I've gone?
Maybe I should have brought a plus one?
No.
[Internal debate over ringing the doorbell or knocking the door]
JOHN! COME ON IN! Come in out the rain quit stalling!
Sure.
EVERYONE! MEET JOHN!
Hi John! Hi John! Hi John!
Actually, my name's Jim
Sit down John, seven minutes in heaven is about to begin
Uh, remind me, what's that again?
It's when you and a member of the opposite sex
Get in an enclosed space, with no illumination
for 420 seconds together and you get to whatever you want to to each other...
For 7 minutes...
Sex!
Pizza!
PIZZA!
Everyone sit down, gather round
Tuna, Pepperoni (That's me!)
plain old anchovy (That's me!)
Hawaiian.. Pineapple (WHAT THE FUCK!)
That's mine
So, John
you like pineapple on your pizza?
No, it musta been a mistake
I gotta take a leak
Oh god oh god
nobody likes me
(phone rings)
oh god, my phone
Who's phone is this? (That ringtone is shit)
*Banging on door*
Oh god the door
Hey Jim, it's Lexi
Did you get Hawaiian pizza?
Yes... Yes...
That is so sexy!
I Know... WHAT!?
Pineapple is soooo sexy! Come on let me in!
Why?
Because I'm wet and I want your dick
Okay I'm ready
[Chorus 2]
why did I agree to
I didn't want to
they REALLY didn't like my
favourite kind of pizza
This is the last time I do this
is it because I never took my shoes off?
Never will I reminisce
why ever risk repeating this?
they're all in the hot tub
loosening up when I'm breaking down
I can't go through all of this again
socialising is such a pain
Now they're out there with music
I should've gotten here by six
Endless tunes until come dawn
music I have come to like beats on
(Crying)
Oh god
(phone dialling)
Ugh
Hello Jim...
Daddy, it happened again!
Ugh, Jim...
|
||||
19. |
Comedy Pro's
02:50
|
|||
|
Yeah. Team Sawrite...
Yeah. Team Sawrite...
Strap yourselves in and enjoy the sound
As me and Gary br-br-break it down!
We're about to take you on a roller coaster
The likes of which you've never been on before so
I'ma start first and I'll be loud and clear
so you can hear me........ with your ears
Rappers in the present are crap
and don't represent their feelings
in a way we can really relate
and they either sound weary
or way too fuckin' serious
Tryin' to act tough
Well, I've had enough.
With these fake tough guys, spreading their lies
claiming they're a fucking criminal.
Bitch, You're a creative individual
And I bet you been dreaming about a music career since you were 8
Bitch get the fuck out my face
That's where Team Sawrite comes in
We're here to straighten out the game (disclaimer!)
we're gonna shape it up
and flip it upside down (DOWN)
You know what we're about
Team Sawrite are gonna sh-sh-shake it up
We do comedy rap, our comedy's fab
We'll make anyone laugh because we're comedy pro's
If we don't get a full laugh, we'll take a half
when you exhale slightly through your nose
(Nose exhaling noises)
(Yeah, get 'em, Gary)
W- Wait that, that was the chorus?
Y- Yeah that was it
Just there?
Dude
Okay...
Just say something!
How can it be that when I turn on my TV
all the things I see they ain't Kaelin and me
I mean its ludicrous
that there's numerous news channels that ain't humorous.
They should be hosted by the two of us.
We'd be like:
Good evening, My name is Gary
reporting to you on behalf of Team Sawrite News
There's a lot of comedy to report today
But first, here's Kaelin standing by with the sports, Kaelin?
Yes Gary, I'm in the bar
What's happened in the game so far?
Well we've had an injury
was the floor slippery?
No Gary, that was the problem
Ahh, It was a game of swimming yes
She dove in the pool because she thought
there was water but there was not.
Ah that does sound pretty funny Kaelin
I guess you could say "we're all wetting ourselves"! Back to you Gary!
Ah-ha-ha thanks, Kaelin.
And another thing
if we were king
and we tell a joke but you don't laugh?
you'll get drafted to OUR army
or you'd have to take a class on us
Where you'll be tested on your knowledge of us
Fuck the current justice system
we'll invent a new tradition
A single new rule that you can't refuse
A giggle when we give it to you
A laugh when it happens
A law where everything we say is funny.
According to the laughter-graph
we should've received at least 6 "ha"s
to class as a pass
but since you didn't give 'em?
prison.
(Nose exhaling noises)
|
||||
20. |
Tomorrow
03:34
|
|||
|
The best time to start was five minutes ago
At least that's what I was taught
Although I really don't feel like studying right now
I guess I'll do it tomorrow and that I vow
What I need to do is make myself a good meal
Something nutritious
Perhaps green
Two for one on fried chicken well that's a good deal
I'll eat well tomorrow when the slates clean
The cars running really low on gas
I'll get some tomorrow on the way to class
That reminds me I have an exam I need to study
But I just can't be bothered with that today
And I really should deal with that pile of laundry
And I really should work out I'm looking kinda scrawny
And I guess I'll go to bed at a reasonable time
But oh wait it's already 4:05 am
Tomorrow
Tomorrow is the day that I get it done
Tomorrow is a day that isn't this one
Tomorrow is the day for being constructive and
Tomorrow is the day for being productive
Tomorrow
I need to quit smoking but I have one pack left
can't go to waste I'll stop after that
Speaking of which I need to stop wasting money
But there's just so many things in life that amuse me
No that's enough I need self-control
I'll work on that tomorrow that's my goal
But I really like this fad. Its high tech
Ill stop both habits after this next paycheck
I really should deal with that letter of intent
Something-something-something, haven't paid the rent
Oh, how important can that be?
I'm not sorting it now I guess I'll wait and see
What are they gonna do come and have my house towed?
I'll sort that next month I'm busy tomorrow
All these things demanding my attention
Must've took a genius to invent procrastination
Tomorrow
Tomorrow is the day that I get it done
Tomorrow is a day that isn't this one
Tomorrow is the day for being constructive and
Tomorrow is the day for being productive
Tomorrow
I would like to thank you all for coming today
To mourn the passing of... a- a man
Who never achieved anything in his-
Uh... You know what guys um
Don't feel like dying today
Nah
You're gonna hold of dying now?
Yeah
That's what it's come to?
Yeeeeeah
I- it doesn't even make sense!
Tomorrow
Tomorrow is the day that I get it done
Tomorrow is a day that isn't this one
Tomorrow is the day for being constructive and
Tomorrow is the day for being productive
Tomorrow
Tomorrow is the day that I get it done
Tomorrow is a day that isn't this one
Tomorrow is the day for being constructive and
Tomorrow is the day for being productive
Tomorrow
Tomorrow is the day that I get it done
Tomorrow is a day that isn't this one
Tomorrow is the day for being constructive and
Tomorrow is the day for being productive
Tomorrow
Tomorrow is the day that I get it done
Tomorrow is a day that isn't this one
Tomorrow is the day for being constructive and
Tomorrow is the day for being productive
|
||||
Team Sawrite Glasgow, UK
Team Sawrite is a Scottish comedy music duo, consisting of school-friends Kaelin Halcrow, and Gary
Hughes.
Our 20-track comedy album "Perfect Enough" is now available on all music platforms!
We encourage you to listen to it so that you may laugh, which is, of course, better than not laughing.
... more
Team Sawrite recommends:
General Gibberish
by Kaelin Halcrow
Kaelin's EP - General Gibberish
go to album
Kaelin's EP - Ornge
go to albumIf you like Team Sawrite, you may also like:
Speakeasy - Live 2016
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Robins decided to release the recording of his 2016 comedy tour during the Covid-19 shutdown at the behest of fans.
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Taylor Ham, Egg, And Cheese
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Comedian Chris Gethard’s hilarious new surprise album is devoted to the great state of New Jersey, and the great state of New Jersey alone.
go to album
In A Time Of Trouble A Wild Exultation
by Jaye Bartell
A stunning and sparse follow-up to last year's "Light Enough" from Brooklyn songwriter Jaye Bartell.
go to album
Just Putting It Out There
by Aparna Nancherla
This dry, wry, gently absurdist comedian's first album is the inaugural release for Tig Notaro's new label, Bentzen Ball Records.
go to album
